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How to Effectively Work with Anger

How to Effectively Work with Anger

By Kate Francis

The emotion of anger occupies an importance place in our lives. It tells us when a belief has been violated or a physical boundary crossed. However, how to express our anger is often something with which we struggle. This article offers three strategies for working with anger and how to judge if you are expressing it in a way that is clean and relationship affirming.

Understanding Anger: Sometimes, we are held back by our inability to understand why we are angry. For example, someone makes a casual comment and we find that suddenly that we are clenching our jaw or making an angry retort. There is a simple technique base on Albert Ellis's work that helps us clarify the origin of our anger. It is the ABC's of anger:

A = Action: The behavior that is seen as being responsible for the anger.
B = Belief: The interpretation of the behavior by the person feeling angry.
C = Consequence: The result of the interpretation of this belief.

This simple process can help you understand the reasons for your feelings. As a result of understanding your feelings, you will more easily be able to communicate your experience and separate the productive and damaging parts of your anger.

Clean Anger: There are expressions of anger that are useful and even relationship affirming. These expressions are called clean anger. If you are uncertain when you are expressing clean anger and when you are not the following clarifications might be helpful:

Clean Anger:
Attempts to inform and communicate.
Takes responsibility.
Is short in duration.
Does not exclude other emotions.
Is not violent.

Communicating Anger: A third piece of effectively working with anger is learning how to better communicate your feelings. There are many effective communication models, however the following covers the essence of many of these models:

1. State the data or information about the triggering event. (Do not include interpretation.)
2. State how you feel about it. (use clear feeling words.)
3. State what you would like to have happen. (Make your request possible.)

In order to be able to apply these strategies, a person will frequently need to give herself or himself time. If you find that you are overwhelmed by anger, separate yourself from the situation as gracefully as possible before applying these strategies. It is better to take this time, than harm another person. Over time your responses to feeling anger will become much healthier and easier.